What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I couldn’t, believe it.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She married twice! .

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

What shocking family behavior did you read about in India?

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

What is it like to be a Christian in Iran?

So whats the point in blame.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Did Trump show us once again that he is a master debater?

What did i know ?

Comes on , in middle age.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Are rich people harder workers than poor people as a whole?

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

But it wasn’t much.

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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

We were not on the streets..

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He knew the spot.

If you caught a shoplifter at your yard sale, how would you handle it?

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

And i lived it daily.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

He resisted the act ,that day.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I have no regrets .

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Put me off passion for life!!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

When she asked me how she looked .

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I was scared of men, in general

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

She loved him until the end.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

All the time i was locked up.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I was seconnd youngest,

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

One cannot live in the past .

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Who then, do I blame.?

But ive been too sick for many years..

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I was 9 years of age.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

We all went to grammer schools

My family never makes their pension either.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

She wouldn,t have been !

Im dying but, im not bitter.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I was very sick at this time too.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

My life is so biszare .

Im still living with it.

(And it was in our own minds.)

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I could never make a relationship work though!

I think the readers, may guess!

Especially a lifetime of it.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I write beautiful poetry .

Would this be the day?

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

But, we were locked up after school.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I will be 64.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I never cut or harmed myself..

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Ive learnt so much.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

This is soul school!.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

She found it foreign!.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I said to her

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Why did i forgive my father ?

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

It was going to be , some day.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

As i do to all so called friends.?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I waited trembling.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

She was in good health!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

So, i spoilt her more .

I don,t even have a pension.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I know ,a lot about trauma.